Be Loved
Be Loved!
Think of someone you truly love. What do you treasure about the relationship? Maybe you have a friend who knows your strengths and weaknesses and always finds ways to encourage you. Maybe you rely on your brother to tell you the truth. Maybe your neighbor is a good listener when things aren’t going so well.
Strong, sustaining relationships are food for our journey. We can’t live a full life without them. So it’s worth looking closely at the reasons why some or even many of our relationships are not healthy, authentic and life-giving. How do you show up for others? Are you comfortable saying what you really feel? What are your hidden agendas? Are they helping or hurting you when it comes to getting and receiving love? In this newsletter, we will explore some tools that may help get and keep the relationships we want.
HIDDEN DEFENSES
To be with another is to be in communication. This happens on many planes of existence and on many energetic levels. In the physical body, we communicate with body gestures (especially the face and eyes), vocal tone and even our nervous system. On an emotional level, we hold beliefs, attitudes, and memories. On a spiritual level, we hold intention.
Being in a relationship requires a flow of energies, a give and a take on all these levels. If one of these dimensions is blocked or incongruent with what you are trying to communicate, the receiver will be confused and pick up mixed messages. For example, you are invited to a party you don’t want to go to, but you say yes anyway. Perhaps you want to please the inviter and feel bad about saying no. The truth is that this incongruence is “felt” by the receiver and even picked up in your vocal tone and body language. This creates confusion both in your field and theirs. Not showing up authentically is common and is the root cause of many interpersonal issues.
What gets in the way of honest communication? For many of us, the obstacles lie below the surface. They typically develop in childhood as adaptive patterns of communicating and behaving that at one time protected us from “unacceptable” thoughts or feelings such as anxiety or sadness. In adulthood, these patterns can take several forms:
• Projection:
You recognize a behavior or emotion in the other that really belongs to you.
• Passive aggression:
You attack another in words or actions but so subtly it can be denied even to you.
• Acting out:
You act on impulse when you are angry, frustrated or disappointed, perhaps going on a shopping spree or drinking.
• Denial:
You refuse to see the reality of bad situations.
• Repression:
You hold emotions inside rather than expressing them outwardly, even blocking them out of your awareness.
A PATH TO AUTHENTICITY
In his groundbreaking work integrating attachment theory with neuroscience, Dr. Allan Schore describes the balance of rupture and repair as the foundation for resilience. His research explains how in early relationship between the primary caretaker and baby, it is not the perfect attunement between them that creates lasting trust. Instead, trust and tolerance are a function of how the adult responds to the constant stressors in the relationship and repairs them. Repair is an essential factor that creates a secure attachment. If a caregiver isn’t good at repairing, then we develop defense strategies to protect ourselves from further damage and pain.
This research has direct relevance on how we can build more authentic relationships. Say you argue with a loved one. Try to resist the temptation to adopt a defensive posture; this is typically a fast route to rupture the relationship. Try instead to focus on a response that can repair and even enhance your connection. Approach the other person with an open and loving intention to correct the misunderstanding. This new attitude can change the internal psychic experience and ultimately the behavior of both people. This is why it is worth it for us to do the work instead of expecting others to change. It is the foundation of strong, healthy relationships.
HEART CENTERED COMMUNICATION
Meaningful, engaged conversations that are honest and reciprocal are important factors in creating and deepening close relationships and inviting more love into your life. Staying in the moment with a desire to discover or re-discover the person standing in front of you is what will change ingrained patterns and repair emotional damage. Here are some steps you can take to improve communication and respond in love:
• Be honest: Say what you mean and mean what you say. When your NO is NO, others can trust that your YES is YES.
• Be a good listener: Being curious and interested in what someone is saying is one of the most profound gifts you can give. Hold space without judgment and don’t think about your reply. Instead, listen intently and focus on the speaker’s facial expressions, especially their eyes.
• Be thoughtful with your words: Don’t respond right away to what others say, especially if their words elicit strong emotions. Take time to consciously choose how to handle the situation. Hurtful words can cause long-lasting damage.
• Be respectful: Encourage energies to move back and forth by allowing reciprocal responses and tolerating silence. In the silence, there is reorganization and integration.
• Be clear: The way we take in information can be the reason for much mis-communication. A helpful tool to avoid misunderstandings is to paraphrase in your own words what you heard to be sure you understand, especially if the conversation is emotionally charged.
• Be compassionate with yourself: Self-hatred and self-criticism often give rise to the need to defend. So start all your communications with a loving gaze inward before engaging with others.
Imagine if we began each communication with the best intention for a loving outcome. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with or condone an action, but it does suggest that you take a stance of non-judgmental acceptance. Let go of outcomes and hope for what’s best not only for you but also for the other. This radical stance will significantly improve your relationship and bring more love into your life.
MEDITATE ON THE HEART
The heart is the place in the body where love and spirit are joined. Deepak Chopra recommends meditating on your heart center to clear away blocks and to be in touch with your true nature.
Follow these simple steps to connect with your heart’s energy:
Begin by sitting in a comfortable position and close your eyes.
For just this moment, let go of your thoughts and the outside world.
Focus your attention on your spiritual heart center, in the middle of your chest, and be aware of your heart as a space. The heart center is a point of awareness where feelings enter. In its essence, the heart is pure emptiness, pervaded by peace and subtle light. This light may appear as white, gold, pale pink, or blue. But don’t strain to find a light of any kind. All you need to feel is whatever is there.
Resting your attention easily on your heart center, breathe gently and sense your breath flowing into your heart. You may want to visualize a soft, pastel light or coolness pervading the chest.
Let your breath go in and out, and as it does, ask your heart what it needs to say. Don’t phrase this as an order; just have the faint intention that you want your heart to express itself.
For the next 5 or 10 minutes, sit and listen. Your heart will begin to release emotions, memories, wishes, fears, and dreams long stored inside. As it does, you will find yourself paying attention.
You may have a flash of strong emotion—positive or negative—or a forgotten memory. Your breathing may change. You may gasp, sigh, or feel tears come into your eyes. Let the experience be what it is. If you daydream or drift off into sleep, don’t worry. Just bring your attention back to your heart center.
Happy Valentines Day!
Love and Light,
Judy Choix